I got off my bed and walked to the mirrored closet door in my room. Despite having just woken up, I thought I looked much younger today. Normally that was a good thing, but something was horribly wrong.
My mind was too sleepy to figure things out. I tried looking around my room in an attempt to figure out what was out of place. My bed looked like it usually did. The room was arranged like it usually was. Even the morning sun shone though the silver/grey window blinds like it usually did. A second look at the mirror revealed that even I look the way I usually did.
It was at that second look that they hit me.
By they, I mean the millions of thoughts and realizations that suddenly bombarded my mind and overloaded my senses to the point that I stood there frozen, staring at my frozen reflection.
One thought leapt above the rest and quickly explained what was so wrong about this morning.
Everything in the room, including myself looked like it usually did.… fifteen years ago!
A short panic attack came over me. I sat back down on my bed breathing heavily. I desperately tried to recall where I was really supposed to be, like the way one tries to remember a dream after just having woken up.
I left this house 5 years ago when I moved to the province to finish college. Heck I left the country 2 years ago to study in Germany. What am I doing here!?
Was this a dream? Or were the last 15 years a dream? I frantically tried to recall the events of the last 15 years. I went through highschool, then college in Ateneo. I left Ateneo shortly before completing my Physics degree and studied in the province. I met my boyfriend while I was at the province, and after college we started our own video editing company. After some time, I was accepted at an arts school in Germany, and have been living there since.
The memories were too vivid to be a dream. But this was too real to be a dream either.
Once my heart started to slow down to a more regular beat I looked at the mirror for the third time. Yes. That was indeed me, when I was 15.
I tried to reach for a cigarette then realized I didn’t smoke till I was 21.
“What’s happening?” my thoughts raced. “Was it the drugs? The Ketamine? No, I haven’t had anything other than weed for the last year.”
“What the fuck!” I blurted out loud.
“Kuya are you awake?” A familiar voice called from outside my door.
Upon hearing that voice, my heart started racing again.
“It can’t be!” I thought to myself.
It was getting harder to breath. I had barely recovered from the shock of the situation when her voice called again.
“Is everything ok?”
I could not think. My legs, on their own accord walked me to the door and my hands turned the knob before I could protest. I stood by the open door, confused and on the verge of tears.
My mother stood on the other side and asked me if everything was ok. I barely nodded yes. She gave me a funny look and told me that breakfast was ready. Like a hypnotized person, I closed the door after she left.
I sat back down on my bed. I thought I would hyperventilate already.
My mother died a year before I left for Germany. Cancer of the pancreas. And yet there she was, and she just told me breakfast was ready.
After about half an hour I was able to calm down some more. I looked around my room, at pieces of paper I have written, some test scores, and realized I was back in 1990.
I was in first year high school.
to be continued...
I started writing this today. This is based on an ongoing idea of mine based on the thought that "If I had to live my live all over again, knowing what I know now, how would I live it?"
I thought of approaching it, not on the basis of changing things in my life which I think I did wrong, but rather an experiment on trying things differently. I thought that if at this point, I found myself in that situation, having all my memories, then the question would be more like: Would I try to relive my life the same way, leading to where I am now except with a lot of improvements? Or would I try something radically different?